the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i believe in u and ur pee
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
