If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
