Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
