maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
