Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize