just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
