Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
