I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
