I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
