I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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