I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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