I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
