I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
