matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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