I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
