Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
