She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
