Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize