hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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