Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
