your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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