You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
