Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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