Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
