If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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