i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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