You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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