have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
