UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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