From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
