I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
