i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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