I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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