I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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