Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
