He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize