yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
