I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
