i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
