for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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