there was a trapeze. enough said
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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