just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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