you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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