i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
