I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
