a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
