i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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