I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
