you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
