I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
