I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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