Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
