I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
