you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
