Where is the hickey?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize