atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
