It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
