I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
