Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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