we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
