What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
