Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
