watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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