Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
