My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
